BREAKING: U.S. Confirms Oil was Never About Energy

Guest Opinion by Alicia Haggermaker

According to newly “declassified” documents accidentally leaked on a laminated White House lunch menu, the United States did not, in fact, take oil for fuel, profit, or geopolitical leverage.

It was for a giant underground slip & slide.Sources say the project—code-named Operation Slippery Slope—began sometime in the late 20th century when a defense contractor asked, “What if morale… but slicker?”

The oil was piped into a vast subterranean recreation complex beneath an undisclosed desert, where officials could:

—slide at speeds violating several laws of physics

—shout “WEEEE!” on the way down

—land directly in a redacted pool labeled "Classified"

Every regime change, it turns out, added another lane. At press time, engineers confirmed the slide is now considered load-bearing.

Saddam’s oil? That became the high-speed corkscrew.

Gaddafi’s? The loop-de-loop.

Diddy's? Used to slather each other down pre-slide.

Venezuela’s reserves were earmarked for the family-friendly splash zone but construction stalled due to sanctions and vibes.

And P Diddy?

Sources say he showed up all in white, wearing sunglasses indoors, insisting the baby oil was “for traction” and asking if the slide had a VIP section for his furloughed escorts.

When world leaders began demanding their oil back, U.S. officials responded with the same prepared statement:

“We hear your concerns. Unfortunately, once oil enters the slide ecosystem, it becomes recreational infrastructure — a designation protected under the Recreational Assets Doctrine (RAD).”

Protesters have since gathered, holding signs that read: WE WANT OUR OIL BACK while U.S. representatives insist: “Sir, that lane is already waxed.”

The Pentagon declined to comment, but confirmed one thing: “No one expected the slide to get this big. But once you start… you kind of have to keep sliding."

"Now you know why we cannot pass an audit.”

Alicia Boothe Haggermaker is a lifelong resident of Huntsville, Alabama, and a dedicated advocate for health freedom. For more than a decade, she has worked to educate the public and policymakers on issues of medical choice and public transparency. In January 2020, she organized a delegation of physicians and health freedom advocates to Montgomery, contributing to the initial draft of legislation that became SB267.

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